Contentment

Sitting here alone in the quad, I'm thinking about the sermon I heard today.  It was over contentment.  I'm amazed at how this human emotion is so fleeting.  Its easy to have when you are happy, and it can be no where to be found when you're not.  The pastor had us write down the level of contentment we felt, and he noted that whatever our number was, that is where God wanted to meet us.

Back to sitting in the quad.  UMSL's campus is next door to St Louis' airport.  I'm listening to the planes fly overhead and thinking about what the planes represent.  In the simplest form, they represent people either coming to or leaving St. Louis.  When we are not content, I think we often want to abandon our situation.  Hop on the next plane out of here so to speak and have it take us somewhere new, where the grass is sure to be greener.  Different, however, doesn't always represent better, it just represents different.  How do you seek contentment outside your situation?  Is it possible?  Should we all just board the next plane out of here?

Walk Forward

Breathing a breath to the air
Seeing its reflection in memory
Hearing my single steps on the sidewalk
Echoing against the walls we once were

On a cold night like this
At the spot I am at past
You were at my side in all
Ready to walk to a new day

Our day never came
as my solitary walk attests
and as my steps walk cold
they walk forward to seasons anew

Crying at a wedding

True story today from the wedding of my pastor Zack and his new wife Jessica.

Since they both go to our church, a lot of people at the wedding were from my church. I was sitting one row in front of a woman and her daughter who looked familiar but I didn't know well. We happened to leave at the same time. As we were leaving, her daughter (I'd guess she was about 11 or 12) asked me "Are you married?" I said "No, I'm not, its hard to believe, isn't it?" She then asked "How old are you?" I said "29". Then she said "Wow, that really sucks!" I think her mom was kind of embarrassed, as she said sheepishly "I'm sure God has someone very special for you." I just said "Well Alright then, I'm going to go home and cry now."

Little Mr. Sunshine

I thought i'd get the Sunday service rocking by spicing up my name tag this morning! I just want to brighten up people's day with my presence, dang it!

This isn't my best post

As I write this, I realize this isn't my best post. I don't find anything particularly funny about it, and I am wondering what its purpose is. One one hand, it seems that it is about nothing, and on the other hand, it seems that it can be about anything.

Should I just go on and on about some of the difficulties that I am experiencing? I think that gets a bit boring after awhile. I could talk about how yet another potential relationship slipped through my fingers due to things that I believe are beyond my control, but self pity never stopped the small bird from falling dead frozen from a bow of a ship.

You know, its quite frustrating when you are writing a post and you realize that it isn't your best effort. I know this is supposed to be about me and my thoughts, but I like to challenge myself to out do my last writing for entertainment value. It disappoints me to know that this one does not out do my last effort, but hope is given to me knowing that I will out do this one.

God is good, much better than me, and a whole lot better than this post.

I'll leave you with this quote from George in Seinfield, "Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion." I find myself thinking it would be best if I took this tact on all things that I approach to do, as it seems that my instincts are often wrong.

Not to ruin the movie, but the boat in the movie Titanic sinks.

I have had a few of my ardent blog followers get on my butt for not posting in awhile. Know that if I'm not posting, its because I am not coming up with any good material. I've floated an analogy out there that I was hoping to share with my readers. You'd have to know a little bit about me to get it, but you probably wouldn't be reading this if you didn't know a little bit about me, so....

One of the things I'm really trying to work on in my life is learning to be OK with being single. Not going to lie to you, its not a lot of fun, but I have concluded that God isn't going to provide me with someone until I do this because it will make me more ready for his blessings. In this pursuit, one of the things I wrestle with is having low self-esteem when it comes to dating because of some of the old fashioned believes I have regarding what should and should not take place while you are just dating and not married (if you catch my drift). I've been working on a metaphor on how to express this, and I came up with something from the movie Titanic.

Do you remember when the ship was sinking? (ie...3/4ths of the movie)? Titanic sinking is a lot like looking for a steady relationship while single. You start off young and feeling like you have all the time in the world. Then something goes off (you hit an iceberg), and you really start looking for a way off this singles boat. Sure, five minutes after hitting this berg, you don't panic, and you may walk past many of lifeboats (relationship opportunities) because of one reason or another. As the boat sinks more and more, you start thinking that maybe you aren't going to get off this boat and you are going to sink to the bottom. At this point, you start regretting all those great lifeboat opportunities that you walked right on by and you start thinking that you would do anything to hold on to a piece of driftwood. If all these things aren't enough, I often think my old-fashioned values put a hindrance on my choices regarding ways to get off this singles sinking ship. I start building up in my head that all women my age have certain expectations of what is expected in a relationship and I know that I won't be able to deliver that during the courtship stages. Therefore, I sometimes equate myself to the passengers running around the ship who didn't speak English. Here are all these passengers (single people) running around trying to get off this ship, and I often view my old-fashioned beliefs as being like having to try to get off the ship and figuring out what the emergency signs are telling me when I don't even speak the language, making my task even more difficult than someone who is at least able to read the signs pointing to the lifeboats. Does God have it in h is plan for me to get off this boat? I hope so, as I think I have a lot to offer to the people back on shore. To drive this point further home, here is a movie clip of me singing "My Heart Will Go On" in a duet with my third cousin twice removed while I was at a karaoke bar in California...enjoy!!! (sorry it is so dark and sorry I set music back 1000 years)

A Note of Hope

This is a note more to myself than anyone else. I have had quite a bit of time to think about what happened last Thursday (the mugging), along with a lot of other things happening in my life, and I decided that I needed to write myself a note of hope, so here it is.

I have it within myself and with the help of God to work on those things that make me sad and that I don't currently like in my own life.

I shouldn't look at the happiness of others and covet, I should look at it and remind myself that nothing comes for free and I must continue to work towards those things that I desire, and they will be within my reach.

I should remember that the reason they refer to a significant other as someone special is because they don't come around very often.

I am happy to be alive as I figure I have a lot of great experiences ahead of me.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and darn gone it, people like me.

I need to get back to the things I can control and let go of the things I can't.

If I have emotions, its best to let them out as opposed to caging them. Emotions are a wild animal and they are supposed to run free.

There is no I in Team but there is a m and an e and if you take that away all you have left is t and a and I don't see any of that in my life, which is part of the reason I'm sad. :(

Being mugged, my story

I told myself that I was going to sleep on it before witting about it in great detail, but I can't quite figure out how to sleep tonight, so I'm hoping this will be somewhat cathartic. I took the Metrolink from the airport to the station located five blocks from my house; a route I have walked or ran a hundred times before. In the rain halfway home, I was mugged by two males of African-American descent. They took my money, my ipod, and my new phone (I loved that phone).

What I am hoping to talk about with this post has less to do with the items taken but what I was feeling during and after it happened. One of them that I could see did have a gun, but even at the time I wasn't convinced that it was a real gun. It looked more like a starter pistol, but I wasn't sure enough to chance it. They took off running back towards the metrolink. I found myself mad for not running behind them and yelling at the armed metrolink guard that I had just been mugged. I have also gone back and forth about a single term...hero.

What does it mean to be a hero. In the movies, we think of the hero as the person who saves the day or gives their life to save another. I tonight felt like such a non-hero; I felt afraid, I felt confused, I felt shocked...I felt helpless....and I HATE feeling helpless. I'm the type of person that needs to feel like I'm in control. But then...are any of us in control? We never know what waits around every corner. I could have been shot tonight, and that, along with being mugged, was not on my day planner when I left California this morning. Another thing I am struggling with is wanting to pray for the two people who did this to me. I want to be privilege to all the rights that come with victim status. I want to hate them, I want to wish harm on them, I want to see them pay (I also want to get my stuff back). Is that what Jesus would want? My mind turned to Matthew 5:38-40

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well."
Is Jesus saying to be a victim? I don't think so. I think he is saying to have a heart of forgiveness.

I'm tired right now, but there is a thunderstorm out, and I am very jumpy. I'll do my best to try to go to sleep.

Know something else I want right now...to move!!!!

I wonder if Jerry and Elaine were like this...

I found myself in an interesting quandary tonight. I was invited to a birthday party of a girl that I dated for a short time. Obviously, though we didn't work out romantically, we have been able to become friends. At the party there was at least one other guy she had dated along w/ the current guy she is seeing. At the beginning of the party, she asked me if it bothered me, and I said no and made a joke out of it. As the evening wore on and I saw her holding her current guy's hand, I have to say it was bothering me a little bit. Not a lot bit mind you, but a little bit. I had to go upstairs and kind of separate myself from the situation (and write this blog post). Since being up there, I've been thinking to myself why it was bothering me. On the surface, she is a great girl, and I guess it makes me a bit sad that yet another nice pretty girl and I didn't click on the level we needed to on one level or another. On a more cynical level, I hope I'm not becoming the type of person that can't stand to see someone else happy. I really don't think about that, but I am willing to face the possibility that it may be hard to see someone else in a relationship and happy that I was really close to, such as my long term girlfriend in St. Louis (those who know me know who she is). Why is this hard? Is it because I don't happen to be with someone at this moment and someone I used to be with is? Does this make them somehow better or more desirable than me? If I were with someone and I saw someone I used to be with with someone too, would I take my mind back to a time when that person and I were together and compare the good to any current bad or difficulty I would find in my current relationship? The title of my blog refers to Seinfeld and how Jerry and Elaine were a former romantic couple that were able to be friends after the fact and see each other in relationships, to the point they would give advice to each other. Was it ever hard for them? As a human, I need to remember that emotions are not something to be avoided, rather if I have them, I should try to understand them and deal with them as best as I can. For me, its writing about them, and I feel better already. Any thoughts from my blog readers would be appreciated in the form of comments.

Peaches

I was walking in the field
When I came upon a tree
The shade provided respite
On my journey to where I was

The tree was filled with blooms
Of the most beautiful flower
So delicate to the senses
So warm to my tired eyes

As I let time pass beside the tree
I allow my mind to wonder
To where I may go next
And how will I know if I arrive

As my rest became sleep
And the tree became my shelter
So did I thank God for allowing
My journey to exist and be

As time passed with the tree
Those blooms became fruit
Filled with beautiful warm color
Whose sweet taste I long for

Under that tree on my journey
I had discovered Peaches
And may time and God tell
Where the journey's end

Moods and Music

I'm a guy that is most happy when I am active. Tonight, for example, I went out and went to a cancer fundraiser, saw and talked to a friend, and went to my favorite West County gym and ran/lifted weights/hot tub/steam/shower. I also made a run to Wal-Mart. As long as I am in motion, I'm feeling pretty good because it gives my brain a break from its normal thought process. (I felt so alive tonight after my workout for example). Then I take that long drive down 255 South back to Belleville, and I find myself in a quite time alone in the car. Sometimes, my mind can turn to things somber that may be on my mind or going on in my life (some in particular right now that I've shared only w/ some close friends). Tonight was one of those times. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a pretty happy and upbeat guy, so I'm trying to avoid those times where I allow myself to feel somber. I often exacerbate this feeling by listing to soft or sad songs (Sunday Morning Call by Oasis is a sad favorite of mine). Tonight, however, endeavoring not to be like this, I tuned my XM radio to a channel that I thought would give me a pick me up. What song did I come across you ask??? Backstreet Boys - Bye Bye Bye

That's right kids, I'm doing this tonight...probably going to start a fight. It turns out that when this song comes on the radio, not only do I sing it, but I find it necessary to do the marionette like choreography and dance moves present in the video. I promise you that if you do this, you will have a smile that will be on your face for at least two hours :) I know this might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie...bye bye bye.