Chem final and journal

A couple of upcoming events in my life:

I have my chem final on Wednesday.  I don't know what my final grade will be; I'm probably between an A and A- right now...I hope I don't slip into the B+ range.  I'll be glad to get this final behind me; my life will return to normal for the rest of the summer with only one night class that meets only two days a week.

One of the things frustrating about a blog is what you put on it is the world's to see for all eternity.  I enjoy being an open book, but I have been wrestling with things of late that I know I would be posting if they were not so "public".  I know there are some of you who think I'm totally public, but trust me, there are a lot of things that don't make it to dantheblog.com for one reason or another.  Yet, I know I would benefit from writing them down, so I've decided I'm going to start an offline journal for my personal use in addition to this blog.

I'll try to let you know how chemistry works out, assuming I don't bring shame to my family with my grade.

Update:  It was an A!

Contentment

Sitting here alone in the quad, I'm thinking about the sermon I heard today.  It was over contentment.  I'm amazed at how this human emotion is so fleeting.  Its easy to have when you are happy, and it can be no where to be found when you're not.  The pastor had us write down the level of contentment we felt, and he noted that whatever our number was, that is where God wanted to meet us.

Back to sitting in the quad.  UMSL's campus is next door to St Louis' airport.  I'm listening to the planes fly overhead and thinking about what the planes represent.  In the simplest form, they represent people either coming to or leaving St. Louis.  When we are not content, I think we often want to abandon our situation.  Hop on the next plane out of here so to speak and have it take us somewhere new, where the grass is sure to be greener.  Different, however, doesn't always represent better, it just represents different.  How do you seek contentment outside your situation?  Is it possible?  Should we all just board the next plane out of here?

I don't know about tomorrow

I'm lying here, unable to sleep, as I have several things running through my mind. I'm thinking about the fact I'm upset at someone that I really shouldn't be; its one of those situations where I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. To make myself smile, I'm thinking about a very special person who has came into my life recently. In both cases...thinking about the person who I'm a bit upset at and the person who is super special, I got to thinking about an old hymn I used to sing in church. Thinking about it made me calm down to the point I'm not upset at this person anymore and made me think about the person who is so special in my life (and in a larger sense, all people who are special in my life which include both people mentioned above). The hymn is "I don't know about tomorrow". I'd like to dedicate this to the special person who has made me not stop smiling since I've known you...you are awesome!

I don’t know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don’t borrow from it’s sunshine,
For it’s skies may turn to gray.

I don’t worry o’er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I’ll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don’t seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev’ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev’ry burden’s getting lighter;
Ev’ry cloud is silver lined.

There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don’t seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don’t know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.

And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I’m covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow,
I don’t seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Dreamland

As I lay here, 1500 miles from my bed in a place distant but familiar, I feel my heart shake the frame of where I exist. As the mattress shakes with each beat, I know my mind is as far away as where I am. My mind is with someone else.

Its where you look

I went to the dentist office today to have one filling filled. Instead, I had SIX fillings filled. Besides being about $1000 poorer, I learned some things about pain and how the brain processes it.

When I get a filling, I never opt to have a shot (must to the dismay and amazement of my dentist...he thinks I'm a tough macho man's man for taking it like this). Instead, I just get "the gas" (technically known as Nitrous oxide, or N₂O). I like this because I am never numb after my visit, it doesn't hurt, and I think I get high. Much like other great artists, musicians, and philosophers, I am pretty sure I start thinking differently when I am under the influence of this drug. I got to thinking about the various parts of pain. Much like there is different parts to most anything you do, there are different ingredients to feeling pain. There is usually an outside stimuli, nerve receptors, interpretation of those nerve impulses, and your reaction. I came to an understanding of how the gas works that anyone can understand. I shared this with the dentist after I was done, and he about fell out of his chair laughing and told me he was going to use it to explain the various options of anesthesia to his patients. Here it goes:

Any type of pain (including the pain felt when the dentist is drilling into your teeth), is like a heard of elephants running by. Now, its natural for you to stare at those elephants as they run by, unless something is introduced. When you use something like Novocaine, it is like someone covering your eyes so you can not see the elephants. You know they are there, but because you don't see them, the "pain" goes unnoticed. Nitrous Oxide, on the other hand, is like being tapped on the shoulder by someone saying "look over here". When you look, there is a beautiful woman flashing her boobies at you. Now, the elephants (pain) is there, but you don't bother to notice because, quite frankly, who cares about elephants when there are boobies to be looked at.

When in doubt, if you find yourself in pain, make the choice to not look at it if it helps you get through your day.

What to write about

I kind of f9ind myelf in that position where a blogger never wants to find himself: self-censorship. I have a lolt of things swriling in miy mind right now, bot for whatever reason, I don't feel comfortable putting them ou there. Part of this is due to timing of events, and part of it involves other people, and I try to be sensitive to mentioning other people on my blog w/o their consent.

I can tell you that I am going to Houston in about two weeks, and then I will be going to AZ about a week after that. I'm getting into The Smashing Pumpkins in a big way right now, which is about right considering they are about 10 years past their prime, but I am in love with their bass player. My brother is wanting me to do another post comparing my life to The Karate Kid, so I'm pondering how to word that. I have been asked to be on my first "leadership team" at church for one of the things my church does, and I'm very happy to serve. I'm rebuilding the school's website, and I'm very proud of it so far (its at harmony175.org if you would like to see.) I'm going to have to get serious about my training if I don't want to die for my first marathon. I'm hoping that I will feel more comfortable moving forward talking about some of the deeper things on my mind. I also hope I come up with some funny material; I know my serious stuff doesn't read as well.

Selling George Noory ocean front property in Arizona

I tend to listen to something as I fall asleep at night. Lately, I have been on a "Coast to Coast AM" kick. For those unaware of the program, it mostly deals with anything and everything in the world of paranormal and extra-terrestrial. I find the program to be wildly entertaining, for it is filled with all sorts of conspiracy talk and "experts" on all kinds of different things that are beyond what the average Joe would probably believe. I often think what the host of this show must be thinking. Even if you believe in some things beyond belief, you every once in awhile have to say to yourself "come on"

Belief, its a funny thing really. We all believe in something, and all of us believe in things we can not prove. I believe in God, I believe that he sent his son Jesus to die for my sins, and I believe that since I have asked him to be my personal lord and savior, I am going to heaven....wow. When you write it out, I (and all Christians who believe the same thing) believe quite a bit, no of which we can prove. If we describe it to someone, it even seems hard to believe. Why do I believe this thing that seems to be so improbable. I believe because I know how it has changed who I am, I believe because I feel things are revealed to me that have no earthly explanation, and I believe because it is the truth as I have seen my life unfold. Should I go on Coast to Coast AM? Is this where my out there belief belongs? There is no need to do this of course, because I have large numbers and cultural tradition to believe in this behind me, but how should I express my belief to someone that is a skeptic? My hope is that my belief and my truth shines through me, and that my life be used for him. For this, may my belief become a personification of truth.

Lessons learned from the movie Karate Kid part III

Yeah, I just finished watching it from start to finish (with commercials)....deal with it!

This is what I learned.

Just like a bonsai tree chooses to grow its own way when its root is strong, we can only chose to grow our own way when our roots are strong.

It is ok to lose to an opponent, it is not ok to lose to fear.

For a person with no forgiveness in their heart, living is a worse punishment than death.

Better to do nothing on a full stomach than an empty one.

You should never tuck your shirt in without wearing a belt.

In the 1980s, a first semester's tuition of community college can buy you a deposit and two months rent on a really crappy, run down storefront by railroad tracks.

Oftentimes, as much as we want to solve others problems for them, the only real way is for the person to find their own solution and their own path.

Mr. Myagi may be the most wise man to have ever live. He has such balance in his life. He also proves that you too can kick the butts of people more than half your age with limited range of motion, even to the point that they can't land a finger on you.

1980s Dance/Love music sucks on 99% of all occasions.

Never, never never never never never wear a gold chain on the outside of a round neck shirt like Snake did.

Getting into the chemical dump business pays the bills...dang.

I want to take Karate Lessons!!!

The grace of mom

What is Grace from God? Perhaps an interesting way to start off in this post considering the title, but again I ask it; what is grace from God? Grace from God, as I understand it, is the receiving of something that as humans we do not deserve and can never earn. Is there anything on this earth that more closely resembles this than the relationship most commonly experienced between parents and children? In all other relationships we have in life, there is no other relationship more instantly filled with love that that experienced between parents and children. For those of you who are married and reading this, if you think of the love you have for your spouse, you may not have loved them right away. Certainly, you were most likely not ready to lay down your life if it called for it the first time you saw them. Yet these two things seem to be present in all parent to child relationships. The first time a mother holds her newborn baby, there is a love that is instantly felt for the child, even though the child is in a state of development in which they can not return the affection. Similarly, I would believe that most mothers would tell you that they would gladly lay down their lives for the life of their child, even though, again, the child does not have the ability to do the same for the parent. What, therefore, did the child do to earn this love? Did they have witty conversation with the parent over a romantic dinner as the spouse of the mother did...of course not. They simply came into existence, hopefully out of the love shown between the child's parents love for each other. Their existence alone warrants the grace and love of the parents. If you think about it, it may also be the one prerequisite for our love and grace from God, to exist. How do you say a thank you that is worthy of the grace and love of your mom on this day? You can't...at least in a way that is worthy of earning the love. You can only show tokens of your love to your mom directly, and perhaps give the other best gift you could give; the love and grace to your own children that you and your spouse may be blessed to have. This is dedicated to my mom...I love you!

This isn't my best post

As I write this, I realize this isn't my best post. I don't find anything particularly funny about it, and I am wondering what its purpose is. One one hand, it seems that it is about nothing, and on the other hand, it seems that it can be about anything.

Should I just go on and on about some of the difficulties that I am experiencing? I think that gets a bit boring after awhile. I could talk about how yet another potential relationship slipped through my fingers due to things that I believe are beyond my control, but self pity never stopped the small bird from falling dead frozen from a bow of a ship.

You know, its quite frustrating when you are writing a post and you realize that it isn't your best effort. I know this is supposed to be about me and my thoughts, but I like to challenge myself to out do my last writing for entertainment value. It disappoints me to know that this one does not out do my last effort, but hope is given to me knowing that I will out do this one.

God is good, much better than me, and a whole lot better than this post.

I'll leave you with this quote from George in Seinfield, "Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion." I find myself thinking it would be best if I took this tact on all things that I approach to do, as it seems that my instincts are often wrong.

Not to ruin the movie, but the boat in the movie Titanic sinks.

I have had a few of my ardent blog followers get on my butt for not posting in awhile. Know that if I'm not posting, its because I am not coming up with any good material. I've floated an analogy out there that I was hoping to share with my readers. You'd have to know a little bit about me to get it, but you probably wouldn't be reading this if you didn't know a little bit about me, so....

One of the things I'm really trying to work on in my life is learning to be OK with being single. Not going to lie to you, its not a lot of fun, but I have concluded that God isn't going to provide me with someone until I do this because it will make me more ready for his blessings. In this pursuit, one of the things I wrestle with is having low self-esteem when it comes to dating because of some of the old fashioned believes I have regarding what should and should not take place while you are just dating and not married (if you catch my drift). I've been working on a metaphor on how to express this, and I came up with something from the movie Titanic.

Do you remember when the ship was sinking? (ie...3/4ths of the movie)? Titanic sinking is a lot like looking for a steady relationship while single. You start off young and feeling like you have all the time in the world. Then something goes off (you hit an iceberg), and you really start looking for a way off this singles boat. Sure, five minutes after hitting this berg, you don't panic, and you may walk past many of lifeboats (relationship opportunities) because of one reason or another. As the boat sinks more and more, you start thinking that maybe you aren't going to get off this boat and you are going to sink to the bottom. At this point, you start regretting all those great lifeboat opportunities that you walked right on by and you start thinking that you would do anything to hold on to a piece of driftwood. If all these things aren't enough, I often think my old-fashioned values put a hindrance on my choices regarding ways to get off this singles sinking ship. I start building up in my head that all women my age have certain expectations of what is expected in a relationship and I know that I won't be able to deliver that during the courtship stages. Therefore, I sometimes equate myself to the passengers running around the ship who didn't speak English. Here are all these passengers (single people) running around trying to get off this ship, and I often view my old-fashioned beliefs as being like having to try to get off the ship and figuring out what the emergency signs are telling me when I don't even speak the language, making my task even more difficult than someone who is at least able to read the signs pointing to the lifeboats. Does God have it in h is plan for me to get off this boat? I hope so, as I think I have a lot to offer to the people back on shore. To drive this point further home, here is a movie clip of me singing "My Heart Will Go On" in a duet with my third cousin twice removed while I was at a karaoke bar in California...enjoy!!! (sorry it is so dark and sorry I set music back 1000 years)

A Note of Hope

This is a note more to myself than anyone else. I have had quite a bit of time to think about what happened last Thursday (the mugging), along with a lot of other things happening in my life, and I decided that I needed to write myself a note of hope, so here it is.

I have it within myself and with the help of God to work on those things that make me sad and that I don't currently like in my own life.

I shouldn't look at the happiness of others and covet, I should look at it and remind myself that nothing comes for free and I must continue to work towards those things that I desire, and they will be within my reach.

I should remember that the reason they refer to a significant other as someone special is because they don't come around very often.

I am happy to be alive as I figure I have a lot of great experiences ahead of me.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and darn gone it, people like me.

I need to get back to the things I can control and let go of the things I can't.

If I have emotions, its best to let them out as opposed to caging them. Emotions are a wild animal and they are supposed to run free.

There is no I in Team but there is a m and an e and if you take that away all you have left is t and a and I don't see any of that in my life, which is part of the reason I'm sad. :(

the one

I think so much what my wife must be like

how she will be perfect for me

and how she will understand me

with all my quirks

and what she must sound like when she is sleeping beside me breathing

with the faint light across her face from the moon.

Here's a suggestion

I was at a local restaurant where you can get real Italian real fast, and I wanted to fill out a suggestion for the suggestion box. There was just one problem; there was no suggestion box. So, I took a piece of paper and labeled it "suggestions". I wrote underneath the title "get a suggestion box" and handed it to the manager. He said, "yeah, we need to get one of those" (I also wrote for the place to get wifi, because who doesn't love wifi?)

Moods and Music

I'm a guy that is most happy when I am active. Tonight, for example, I went out and went to a cancer fundraiser, saw and talked to a friend, and went to my favorite West County gym and ran/lifted weights/hot tub/steam/shower. I also made a run to Wal-Mart. As long as I am in motion, I'm feeling pretty good because it gives my brain a break from its normal thought process. (I felt so alive tonight after my workout for example). Then I take that long drive down 255 South back to Belleville, and I find myself in a quite time alone in the car. Sometimes, my mind can turn to things somber that may be on my mind or going on in my life (some in particular right now that I've shared only w/ some close friends). Tonight was one of those times. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a pretty happy and upbeat guy, so I'm trying to avoid those times where I allow myself to feel somber. I often exacerbate this feeling by listing to soft or sad songs (Sunday Morning Call by Oasis is a sad favorite of mine). Tonight, however, endeavoring not to be like this, I tuned my XM radio to a channel that I thought would give me a pick me up. What song did I come across you ask??? Backstreet Boys - Bye Bye Bye

That's right kids, I'm doing this tonight...probably going to start a fight. It turns out that when this song comes on the radio, not only do I sing it, but I find it necessary to do the marionette like choreography and dance moves present in the video. I promise you that if you do this, you will have a smile that will be on your face for at least two hours :) I know this might sound crazy, but it ain't no lie...bye bye bye.

Valentine's Day and the Single Dan

If yesterday and the way I was feeling was going to be any indication of how I was going to handle another Valentine's day alone, I knew I had to do something to shake things up. As it turned out, I had a great day. I did some shopping at the mall, I got my haircut (see post above), I lifted and ran a 5k, and I went out to St. Louis to see an "interesting" art show. I topped it off with a glass of wine back at a local establishment here in Belleville. I can't say this was the best day of my life or even in the top 100, but it was a nice way to make the best of a situation in which I would care not to be. I did make someone my Valentine, and I really enjoyed thinking of things to give her. She seemed to like it, and time will tell if anything will grow out of that.

I'm opinionated about Idol

I know this isn't a first in this land, but when I watch American Idol, I have a strong opinion about what is going on and who I like. I find myself to be pretty on w/ the judges, which makes me feel like I can spot talent.

I had my tail handed to me today at work w/ some technical issues regarding our SIS provider. I know that one will not be resolved this week, but I am hoping to resolve one tomrrow. Other than that, I'm trying to make it through this week alive. There are a lot of projects going on as we speak. Busy busy

Reverse Underwear Mullet

Your going to have to follow me on this one...

So I was getting out of the shower this morning on my way to church. I was a bit late as usual, and knowing that I had a load of laundry in the dryer, I went to the utility room to get a nice, clean warm pair of underwear. Lets be honest, putting on a pair of underwear fresh from the dryer in the wintertime is one of life's true joys. Anyway, I really wasn't paying attention to how I was putting on this pair of underwear, but I thought something felt different. Now, a little bit of back story is in order at this time. I started buying men's bikini cut underwear a long time ago for a "medical" reason that I care not to go into at this time, but trust me, it was for a very very good reason. The side benefit of this is that I have some entertainment looking at myself walk by my multitude of mirrors in my house. Anyway, when I turned on the light in my bedroom after putting them on in the dark (which is the baptist way to put on underwear after all), I noticed that not only were they inside out, but they were on backwards. Before I corrected this unfortunate situation, I took a moment to note the sensation I was currently feeling. After giving it a moments thought, I coined the term "reverse underwear mullet" for the simple reason that the sensation I was now feeling was best described as "business in the front and party in the back" due to the way I was now being covered resulting in the back side of me feeling like I had on a thong. Good times....good times.

Black Soul

As often when someone of fame passes away, the news will do a look back at their life to close out the newscast. Recently, the author John Updike passed away, and as custom, they did a short piece about him. Even though it has been just a few days, I can't remember much about him, other than the fact he wrote some novels with the word 'rabbit' in the title. One thing about the piece that did stick out in my mind is that he said there would be days that he would rather do anything but tackle the blank page in front of him because whatever would go down on the page would be him. This really stuck out to me because I have been feeling this same hesitation the last couple of days with my blog entries. I've been spending enough time with myself as it is due to the snow days we have had (I received 7" at my house alone). It has made me somewhat stir crazy, but it has allowed me to take a look at myself to see if I like what I am. I think I do like what I am, but I find myself somewhat thinking that I'm missing something too. What is it that I am longing for that I currently don't have? I have my health, my job (which is a very blessed thing considering the economy), my family, etc. I know that I would like to find a steady girl, but I think this goes beyond that. What I would like to try to do is find a group of friends around here which I can plug into. One of the challenges I have found in doing that in Belleville itself doesn't seem to have a lot in common w/ me. Also, it acts like a small town in the sense that it is somewhat difficult to break into any clicks. Don't quote me when I say this, but a big part of me wishes I lived in St. Louis just to have the feeling of being closer to the one group I kind of feel close to: my church.

Other things that have happened. I stayed late after church to scrape off snow from people's windshields. I just wanted to do something that would help. Someone called me "awesome Dan", which was nice. I have had the chance to hang out with some interesting people. I sang for one of them and I told them my natural style was black soul. I noticed how they had a hard time looking me in the eye for the rest of the night.

I saw a truck hitch cover of a reindeer, and every time the person hit the breaks, the reindeer danced. I was appalled.

I'm hoping we have school tomorrow. I'm also hoping I am able to continue to ask for patience on somethings that are really on my mind right now. Patience is a hard thing for me. I can't even fix a pot of spaghetti w/o wanting to taste it well before I know it is done.

Happy New Year

As you could probably guess, one of my goals for 2009 is to have a place to put down some of my thoughts as the year progresses. I am now in my 30th calendar year (yikes), and I have a feeling that God has something special for me.

In this blog, I plan on being myself. There is a good chance that I will say things that will come back to haunt me as I run for Congress in the future (ha).

In the next couple of days, I will be spending some time customizing the blog's appearance to reflect a little bit more of my personality. In the meantime, stay tuned for later today as I outline some of my new year's resolutions, goals, and ideas. One in particular started when the clock struck 12, and it will greatly chalenge me for this first month of 2009 (cliffhanger....)